I stumbled upon my dad's Playboy stash before I reached 3rd grade. I had no idea what I was looking at, and truthfully I sensed that it was wrong for me to be looking at it. But my own curiosity plus the understanding that this was something my dad was looking at convinced me to look, look some more, and keep looking.
As I grew into middle school and high school, I kept tabs on where to find more pornographic material -- in my own home and in my friends' homes -- and I continued to nurture my habit. I wasn't an addict by psychological standards, but I was far from pure in my thoughts and actions.
When I responded to God's pursuing love and began a trusting relationship with him, I repented of my sexual sin and began pursing purity. My understanding changed, and I knew I didn't want to do this anymore, but the habit that started in the 3rd grade was a difficult one to break.
Keep in mind, I was born in 1972, so my struggles peaked in the 80s, when pornography was still a socially inappropriate habit, and accessing pornography took a degree of risk and personal interaction (like going to a seedy store in a bad part of town dealing with a shady character). Students today find pornography to be more
accessible,
affordable, and
anonymous. (In a 1998 article, "The Triple-A Engine," Cooper, Delmonico, and Burg first identified these three "A"s related to sexual pursuits and the internet. As research on sex addiction and the internet has continued, researchers have now identified seven "A"s contributing to internet-related intimacy problems.
Click here for an updated summary of research.) The ease of securing pornography -- defined as explicit sexual videos and images -- is evidenced in current statistics (source:
digitalkidsinitiative.com).
- the average age of first exposure to internet pornography is 11
- only 3% of teenage males and 17% of teenage female have never seen internet pornography
- the 12-17 year-old age group is the largest consumer of internet pornography
- 70% of teenage males have spent more than 30 consecutive minutes looking at internet pornography; 35% of teenage males have done this on more than ten occasions
- 23% of teenage females have spent more than 30 consecutive minutes looking
at internet pornography; 14% of teenage females have done this on more
than ten occasions
- female internet pornography usage is not as image-focused, but females are considerably more likely to agree to meet in person someone they've met online
The social effects of pornography include:
- belief that sexual promiscuity is natural and normal; belief that sexual abstinence and sexual inactivity are abnormal and unhealthy
- belief that marriage is sexually confining
- increased acceptance of sexual perversions (bestiality, group sex, bondage, etc.)
- the commodification of sex and the sexual objectification of persons
Researchers are now discovering that pornography addiction actually causes biological changes in human brain functions.
- click here for an academic explanation of these chemicals and healthy sexuality
- click here for an academic explanation of pornography's interaction with these chemicals
- click here and here for more readable explanation of pornography's interaction with these chemicals
You probably get the point: pornography is a dangerous, pervasive issue that our students -- and we -- are dealing with and will continue to deal with.
So what can we do? Below are four simple suggestions of things parents can do to help their students navigate the messiness of our culture's obsession with sexuality and the dangers of pornography.
1. Teach (or reteach) a healthy, Biblical, hope-filled view of sexuality. Many of us need to start by developing a healthier view of sexuality for ourselves. Once we began that journey, we must share our understanding with our students.
Please hear me acknowledge that this is an uncomfortable, awkward, stressful, and beautiful conversation. Our students need us to be healthy adults in their lives. And you can do it!
Some resources that I've found helpful (all of these links open in my amazon astore):
2. Set high standards. Our students are bombarded with messages that assume they will screw up; society has concluded that students are incapable of making good choices. It's our job to remind them that with the power of God in their lives, they can choose to trust him and his plan and his way of life and not regret it.
I know many adults who back off on setting high standards for a couple of reasons:
- "At least they're not as bad as I was at their age." The truth is, we should celebrate when God is honoring our prayers and efforts and sparing our students from making the same mistakes is. The lie is that our standard is good enough.
- "They're doing so much better than most of their peers." Again, we should celebrate God's faithfulness in our student's lives. But I believe most students will rise to the occasion when healthy adults in
their lives challenge them and encourage them to live into God's story.
God's way is always best, and our students need healthy adults in their lives telling them this truth!
3. Be preventative. Before pornography becomes an issue, I suggest two things that will help us be preventative in the struggle with pornography in our students' lives.
- Our conversations with our students can begin in their earliest years, by the way we talk about important topics. Focus on the Family has an incredibly robust section of articles on parenting and sexuality. Researchers at the National Center for Biblical Parenting suggest the following general guidelines for age-appropriate conversations:
- 3-5 yrs - why boys and girls are different
- 6-8 yrs - where babies come from
- 8-11 yrs - how you are changing
- 11-14 yrs - sex and the new you
- 14 and up - love, sex, and God
- Honest accountability will help our students remember that pornography is a big deal, and as parents, we are willing to work diligently to protect them. As a parent, I require my teenagers to sign a Family Digital Covenant of Conduct, which includes rules such as parents always having passwords to all email, facebook, twitter, etc., accounts; not sharing personal information online; etc. As a 40 year-old man, I am accountable to my wife and to two accountability partners for my decisions -- including my internet usage.I believe healthy parenting teaches students that it is healthy and normal to be in accountable relationships.
4. Be responsive. When we discover our student has accessed pornography, it is important to react appropriately. I don't want to over-react, but I don't want to under-react. I believe God's Holy Spirit is the only one who can help me and my wife navigate the appropriate response. Here are a few ideas:
- Begin with a conversation. Talk gently, ask good questions, and recognize that we are all broken and have this sexual struggle.
- Get the right kind of help. Depending on the depth of our student's struggle, this may mean having a conversation with a healthy adult (pastor, youth leader, family friend, etc.). The right help may mean investing in some study tools and some learning (xxxchurch.com is my go-to site for these resources.) The right kind of help may mean seeking a professional counselor -- I would recommend a Christian counselor with expertise and experience in sex addiction.
I know this is a long blog post. I hope you make the connection between the over-abundance of content and the seriousness of this issue. Pornography is no longer an "if it happens" struggle, but a "when it happens" struggle.
If you're struggling now, get help using the resources listed above. If your spouse is struggling now, help them get help. If your student is struggling now, act now. Be the healthy adults in their lives who make the difficult right decisions and step into the messiness of sex addiction.
I'll be praying for you.
What do you think?
