teens, anxiety, and youth ministry

Long gone are the carefree days of youth.

The modern teen is stressed out. With sports travel teams, AP classes, gifted programs, standardized testing, band/dance/cheer/sports camps, and college application essays, today’s teenager feels the pressure to perform. And this doesn’t take into account the anxiety of dating, social media, loneliness, peer pressure, peer approval, faith, etc.

Anxiety specialist Dr. Richard Leahy was quoted as saying ... 

This blog was first posted in two parts at youthministry.com. You can read part one here and part two here.

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the sexualization of our culture, part 4

For the past few weeks, we’ve talked about several key themes related to building a healthy understanding of sexuality from a Kingdom-of-God-perspective. (Click for Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.) This week we’ll wrap things up with what we believe are the two biggest challenges facing students (an adults) in this struggle.

The first challenge is trusting that the Kingdom of God is best.

The word “faith” in the Bible has always struck us as a little peculiar. For many years ...


This blog was first posted at youthministry.com. You can read the entire article here.


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the sexualization of our culture, part 3

We regularly remind our students that the decisions they make today shape who they’ll be tomorrow. This statement is easy to apply to sexuality, but we must...

This blog was first posted at youthministry.com. You can read the entire article here.

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the sexualization of our culture, part 2

If you read our article from last week, The Sexualization of our Culture, Pt 1, you saw our general thoughts on sexuality in our culture. We ended with the question, “How can we hope students choose to live differently unless they are offered a new way to understand their world?” This week we want to begin looking at ...

This blog was first posted at youthministry.com. You can read the entire article here.

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the sexualization of our culture, part 1

You may remember a few months ago when two female high school teachers were accused of having group sex with a male high school student. I was concerned because 1) I’m a human, 2) I work with teenagers, and 3) this is the school Elle (my 14-year-old daughter) attends. When the news broke...

This blog was first posted at youthministry.com. You can read the entire article here.


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youth ministry lessons from coach les miles

In the interest of full disclosure, I am an LSU alum, fan, and supporter of all things LSU – including our head football coach, Les Miles.

ESPN has been running a series of interest pieces on coaches’ offices. I was excited to see Coach Miles profiled in October. As interesting as the article was for me as an LSU fan, I was most intrigued to read Coach Miles’ comments about a simple white football with the names of ...

[This blog was originally posted at youthministry.com. You can read the whole thing here.]


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dad-ventures

We have three daughters. When they were young, a trusted mentor told us that if we wanted to have legitimate relationships with our girls when they were older – the kind of relationships where we could speak truth into their lives – we had to ...

[This blog was originally posted at youthministry.com. You can read the whole thing here.]


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team levert

A couple of times a month, Tasha and I blog for youthministry.com on the topic of marriage and ministry.

Check out our lastest blog on [professionalism]. 

We recognize not everyone comes down on the same place on these topics, but you'll get some insights on our family values as a married couple with kids in youth ministry.



What do you think?

changing your #selfie image

I confess . . . I'm fascinated by the selfie. 

I don't take them, but I'm interested in the who/what/why of others' selfies. 

When it's someone I know, it gives me a little glimpse into their lives - what are they doing? where are they? why are they taking the pic? I find the whole thing fascinating.

Are selfies selfish? Are they innocent ways to express your thoughts/ideas and share what's going on in your life?

It's likely we would all agree that some selfies are inappropriate (nudity, vulgarity, etc.), but is that our only criteria for posting a selfie? The whole conversation reminds me of one of my favorite Seinfeld clips.

I'm not suggesting that all selfies are selfish, I'm just asking if sometimes we go overboard. As an adult, I recognize that everything I post in the social media world says something about me -- good or bad, right or wrong.

So what am I saying? Who am I presenting to an online world? These are questions I need to answer for myself, but they're also questions I need to ask and help my teenager answer. 

Cara Joyner posted an excellent article on Relevant's ezine titled, "5 Questions to Ask Before Posting to Social Media." I highly recommend reading the entire article )and sharing it with your students), but here is the list of questions Joyner challenges us to ask:

• Am I seeking approval?
• Am I bosting?
• Am I discontent?
• Is this a moment to protect?
• Is it kind?

 As I scroll through my own images, I realize I would probably NOT have posted some things had I asked myself these questions beforehand.


And instead of simply changing the way we post about ourselves, what if we also started posting positive things about others? Jeanne Prejean suggests making 2014 the year of the unselfie, taking pictures of other people and encouraging them through social media. 

And if you're really creative, you can continue the campaign started by Giving Tuesday last November by taking a picture of a charity you want to support and adding the hashtags #unselfie and #givingtuesday. They might help you spread the word by including your #unselfie on their website, unselfie.me. 


How could you turn the 2013 Oxford Dictionary's Word of the Year upside-down? Make it about something or someone other than yourself. Use your voice to be an encouragement to others, and help raise awareness of a need that is important to you. Seems like a good reflection Paul's words in Philippians 2:3-4: 

Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. (NLT)

What do you think?
 

the souls of our daughters

OK, I'll admit, the title is a little melodramatic. But I'm not sorry. As the dad of three daughters (and the husband of a wife), I am awfully aware of the awful struggle every woman in our culture faces regarding their bodies and sexuality.

*** I am not dismissive of the pressure men face in the same areas, but researchers (here here here and here) have shown a much stronger statistical decline in self-esteem in adolescent young women than young men; the decline lasts longer; and for some young women self-esteem never recovers.***

Thankfully, the over-sexualization and objectification of women is not a topic that's kept in the margins, but the conversation is gaining mainstream momentum as more and more media outlets are sharing stories and examples and statistics on the dangerous road we're on as a society.


I was particularly challenged by Caroline Heldman's TedTalk on the sexualization of women. Heldman feels today's culture is so overly sexualized, we can hardly recognize it -- that sexual objectification is so engrained in our culture that many adolescents struggle to see it. She said, "It's like being raised in a red room, being pulled out of that room, and asked to describe the color red."

To help us re-learn some critical thinking/viewing skills, Heldman shared seven questions one could ask to help determine if an image or video is sexually objectifying someone.

1. Does the image/video show only parts of a sexualized person's body?
2. Does the image/video present a sexualized person as a stand-in for an object?
3. Does the image/video show a sexualized person as interchangeable?
4. Does the image/video affirm the idea of violating the bodily integrity of a sexualized person that can't consent?
5. Does the image/video suggest that sexual availability is the defining characteristic of the person?
6. Does the image/video show a sexualized person as a commodity?
7. Does the image/video treat a sexualized person's body as a canvas?

I was challenged as I read through the list, reflecting on my own viewing habits and the ease at which I allow myself to be numbed. You can watch her talk here.


A few others worth mentioning:

• The company that makes Dove soap has done an amazing job shining light on this topic. While it might be for strategic/marketing purposes, their self-esteem campaign is worth supporting.
• Watch Jean Kilbourne's five minute presentation of how popular media (particularly advertising)
  distorts and shapes society's view of women.
• Cameron Russel shared a powerful TedTalk on the sexualization of adolescents from her own story as a Victoria's secret model.
• Kate Winslet is one of the most outspoken celebrity advocates for change. You can find lots of her comments about body image on the web; here's a great article that summarizes some of her thoughts. 

As a dad, husband, and Christ-follower, what do I do with all this? How do I help the women in my family -- and all women in my life --  process the pervasive message of our culture in light of the truth of the Kingdom of God? How do my own choices shape their views and understandings of themselves as women and children of God? How do we disciple our daughters to live a different (Kingdom) story in the midst of a dominant (cultural) story in a way that is compassionate and hope-filled? And how do I help them resist the urge to isolate and withdraw from culture, and instead overcome evil with good?

It's things like this that make me homesick for the Kingdom . . .


What do you think?

dealing with conflict between parents and teenagers

Everyone gets in conflict. And every parent gets in conflict with their teenager. It's inevitable. Most parents suggest conflict with their teenager goes poorly at best, and most teenagers generally agree. But both sides claim to want things to be better relationally.

So what can we do?

Here are some general themes that I hope guide my own parenting when it comes to dealing with conflict with my teenager.

1. Model Healthy Conflict Skills

I have conflict in my life, and the people closest to me - including my own children - see how I act and react in the midst of it. It's important that I'm living well in front of my students to help them learn to live well in their own areas of conflict. Specifically, I need to speak truth in love. Truth without loves postures me as a jerk. Love without truth postures me as a pushover. (The best research I've seen on this balance comes from Reuben Hill's Minnesota Report.) It's also important that I guard my words and avoid gossip. My children need to see me showing respect to the people I'm in conflict with if I hope they'll show respect to me when we're in conflict. I also need to forgive freely. Forgiveness isn't easy, but for a follower of Christ, it's not negotiable. It may not happen overnight, but God calls me to make a clear choice to trust His way and be moving towards forgiveness in every broken relationship.

2. Establish Healthy Rules of Engagement

I want my children to trust and value our relationship enough to work hard at keeping things healthy. I want them to know they can always come to me to tell me how they feel, even (maybe especially) if I've done something to hurt them. There's a right time and a right place for conflict, but as the parent, I must make time and space available to receive my children when they are initiating conflict.

3. Give My Kids the Benefit of the Doubt

Like yours, my kids want to be treated with respect and trust beyond their years, capacity, or what they've earned. In some moments, my kids are amazing - well-behaved, well-mannered, and well-adjusted. In other moments, my kids act like Satan's spawn. Like you, I find this both exciting and terrifying. But the truth is, as our teenagers move through puberty, identity formation is at the forefront of their developmental process. I.E., I should expect my adolescent to bounce all over the emotional map. One way I help them continue to move forward is by treating them as if they're acting the way I want them to act. By doing this, I am shaping their future responses to the challenges of life.

Once I settle into these themes, here are some "best practices" of conflict resolution I've learned over the years.

1. Pray. Seriously, don't just say you'll pray - pray for your relationship with your teenager will be stronger as a result of your upcoming conversation. And pray with your teenager at the beginning of the conversation.
2. Strive for a win-win. If you end up with a winner and a loser, everyone loses. You may win the conflict with your teenager, but you risk losing the long-term health of the relationship.
3. Use good communication skills. I found this article by googling "good communication skills." Be in awe of my research skills.
4. Schedule a time to talk. Give your student time to think about the topic you want to address.
5. Avoid lengthy rabbit trails. Don't get sidetracked with insignificant details, who started what, etc. Stay on the topic at hand, and deal with it well.
6. Keep your relationship as your priority. The long-term goals of parenting aren't visible for years - maybe decades. Hopefully, one of your goals is a healthy adult relationship with your teenager when they grow into their own story.
7. Keep your words personal to you and about you. It's better to say, "I felt embarrassed when you said . . ." rather than, "You embarrassed me when you . . ."
8. Be vulnerable. I believe God uses the power of vulnerability to break down walls of conflict. Check out two TedTalks be Brene Brown here and here.
9. Be specific about what you need to move on. It may be as simple as asking for an explanation for a certain act or statement. It may be asking for a change of behavior in certain situations. Don't make your teenager guess what you need.
10. Choose to accept an apology if your teenager offers. Make it a point to say, "I accept your apology, and I appreciate your heart in talking with me about this."
11. Choose to offer an apology if you've hurt your teenager. I would err on the side of over-offering an apology, even if it's, "I'm sorry that I hurt you when I said . . ."
12. Reach out a little later. Conflict is always awkward. the first few interactions after conflict are equally awkward. Be the adult and initiate some healthy relationship interaction a day or so after the conflict.

I also find these tips from Parentzilla.com to be superhelpful.

The bottom line is, conflict with your teenager is inevitable. How will you reply?


What do you think?

a massive survey of students

I just finished a small writing assignment, where I was asked to give some feedback and share some observations on a survey of 20k students that participated in a Christian summer camp in 2012. The vast majority of students were solid, deeply committed to Christ and the local church. Without going into too much detail, one of my biggest takeaways was that we need to address core issues of the Kingdom of God well and often. It's tempting to get caught up in trendy topics and surface level conversations, but students are asking for something deeper and more substantive. (The full article will appear in an upcoming issue of Group Magazine. Check it out!)

With that in mind, several friends were asking what we were giving our graduates for their "congratulations . . . now get out of the youth group" gift. This year, we're giving students Jonathan Morrow's, Welcome to College: A Christ-Follower's Guide for the Journey.  It's a challenging read that will give students peace that they can live for Christ in college, and it will begin to normalize the inevitable ridicule they'll face as they stand up for their beliefs on campus.

Last year, we gave students Ben Hardman's, Thrive: Do More Than Survive Your Faith. It's a little more pragmatic than Morrow's book, focusing more on the personal habits we hope our students have developed while in our student ministries.

Honestly, anything that we can put in students' hands that will keep them connected to Christ and the local church while they're in college will have a massive impact on how sticky their faith will be throughout the course of their lives.


What do you think?

students and pornography

I stumbled upon my dad's Playboy stash before I reached 3rd grade. I had no idea what I was looking at, and truthfully I sensed that it was wrong for me to be looking at it. But my own curiosity plus the understanding that this was something my dad was looking at convinced me to look, look some more, and keep looking.

As I grew into middle school and high school, I kept tabs on where to find more pornographic material -- in my own home and in my friends' homes -- and I continued to nurture my habit. I wasn't an addict by psychological standards, but I was far from pure in my thoughts and actions.

When I responded to God's pursuing love and began a trusting relationship with him, I repented of my sexual sin and began pursing purity. My understanding changed, and I knew I didn't want to do this anymore, but the habit that started in the 3rd grade was a difficult one to break.

Keep in mind, I was born in 1972, so my struggles peaked in the 80s, when pornography was still a socially inappropriate habit, and accessing pornography took a degree of risk and personal interaction (like going to a seedy store in a bad part of town dealing with a shady character). Students today find pornography to be more accessible, affordable, and anonymous. (In a 1998 article, "The Triple-A Engine," Cooper, Delmonico, and Burg first identified these three "A"s related to sexual pursuits and the internet. As research on sex addiction and the internet has continued, researchers have now identified seven "A"s contributing to internet-related intimacy problems. Click here for an updated summary of research.) The ease of securing pornography -- defined as explicit sexual videos and images -- is evidenced in current statistics (source: digitalkidsinitiative.com).

• the average age of first exposure to internet pornography is 11
• only 3% of teenage males and 17% of teenage female have never seen internet pornography
• the 12-17 year-old age group is the largest consumer of internet pornography
• 70% of teenage males have spent more than 30 consecutive minutes looking at internet pornography; 35% of teenage males have done this on more than ten occasions
• 23% of teenage females have spent more than 30 consecutive minutes looking at internet pornography; 14% of teenage females have done this on more than ten occasions
• female internet pornography usage is not as image-focused, but females are considerably more likely to agree to meet in person someone they've met online

The social effects of pornography include:

• belief that sexual promiscuity is natural and normal; belief that sexual abstinence and sexual inactivity are abnormal and unhealthy
• belief that marriage is sexually confining
• increased acceptance of sexual perversions (bestiality, group sex, bondage, etc.)
• the commodification of sex and the sexual objectification of persons

Researchers are now discovering that pornography addiction actually causes biological changes in human brain functions.

• click here for an academic explanation of these chemicals and healthy sexuality
• click here for an academic explanation of pornography's interaction with these chemicals
• click here and here for more readable explanation of pornography's interaction with these chemicals

You probably get the point: pornography is a dangerous, pervasive issue that our students -- and we -- are dealing with and will continue to deal with.

So what can we do? Below are four simple suggestions of things parents can do to help their students navigate the messiness of our culture's obsession with sexuality and the dangers of pornography.


1. Teach (or reteach) a healthy, Biblical, hope-filled view of sexuality. Many of us need to start by developing a healthier view of sexuality for ourselves. Once we began that journey, we must share our understanding with our students.

Please hear me acknowledge that this is an uncomfortable, awkward, stressful, and beautiful conversation. Our students need us to be healthy adults in their lives. And you can do it!

Some resources that I've found helpful (all of these links open in my amazon astore):

• A Celebration of Sex, Douglas Rosenau
• The Volunteers Back Pocket Guide to Sex, Craig Gross (from xxxchurch) and Cris Logan
• A Parent's Guide to Understanding Teenage Girls, Mark Oestreicher and Brooklyn Lindsey
• A Parent's Guide to Understanding Teenage Guys, Mark Oestreicher and Brock Morgan
• 99 Things Every Girl Should Know, Neely McQueen
• 99 Things Every Guy Should Know, Jeffrey Wallace and Matty McCage

2. Set high standards. Our students are bombarded with messages that assume they will screw up; society has concluded that students are incapable of making good choices. It's our job to remind them that with the power of God in their lives, they can choose to trust him and his plan and his way of life and not regret it.

I know many adults who back off on setting high standards for a couple of reasons:

• "At least they're not as bad as I was at their age." The truth is, we should celebrate when God is honoring our prayers and efforts and sparing our students from making the same mistakes is. The lie is that our standard is good enough.
• "They're doing so much better than most of their peers." Again, we should celebrate God's faithfulness in our student's lives. But I believe most students will rise to the occasion when healthy adults in their lives challenge them and encourage them to live into God's story. 

God's way is always best, and our students need healthy adults in their lives telling them this truth!


3. Be preventative. Before pornography becomes an issue, I suggest two things that will help us be preventative in the struggle with pornography in our students' lives.

• Our conversations with our students can begin in their earliest years, by the way we talk about important topics. Focus on the Family has an incredibly robust section of articles on parenting and sexuality. Researchers at the National Center for Biblical Parenting suggest the following general guidelines for age-appropriate conversations:
• 3-5 yrs - why boys and girls are different
• 6-8 yrs - where babies come from
• 8-11 yrs - how you are changing
• 11-14 yrs - sex and the new you
• 14 and up - love, sex, and God 

• Honest accountability will help our students remember that pornography is a big deal, and as parents, we are willing to work diligently to protect them. As a parent, I require my teenagers to sign a Family Digital Covenant of Conduct, which includes rules such as parents always having passwords to all email, facebook, twitter, etc., accounts; not sharing personal information online; etc. As a 40 year-old man, I am accountable to my wife and to two accountability partners for my decisions -- including my internet usage.I believe healthy parenting teaches students that it is healthy and normal to be in accountable relationships.

4. Be responsive. When we discover our student has accessed pornography, it is important to react appropriately. I don't want to over-react, but I don't want to under-react. I believe God's Holy Spirit is the only one who can help me and my wife navigate the appropriate response. Here are a few ideas:

• Begin with a conversation. Talk gently, ask good questions, and recognize that we are all broken and have this sexual struggle.

• Get the right kind of help. Depending on the depth of our student's struggle, this may mean having a conversation with a healthy adult (pastor, youth leader, family friend, etc.). The right help may mean investing in some study tools and some learning (xxxchurch.com is my go-to site for these resources.) The right kind of help may mean seeking a professional counselor -- I would recommend a Christian counselor with expertise and experience in sex addiction.

I know this is a long blog post. I hope you make the connection between the over-abundance of content and the seriousness of this issue. Pornography is no longer an "if it happens" struggle, but a "when it happens" struggle.

If you're struggling now, get help using the resources listed above. If your spouse is struggling now, help them get help. If your student is struggling now, act now. Be the healthy adults in their lives who make the difficult right decisions and step into the messiness of sex addiction.

I'll be praying for you.


What do you think?

jr hi vs. sr hi energy

A few years ago, I wrote a blog for Kurt Johnston and Scott Rubin on their junior high ministry blog addressing the different energy levels for junior high and senior high students. I didn't make the same mistake I discussed in my previous blog, but I revisited it all over again last weekend as our combined groups had a sleep-over in our church building for our Dare2Share weekend. (If you have questions about Dare2Share, I'd love to answer them. I'm a big fan. And I don't even get paid to say that!)

It was a long night. It was a miserable Saturday for most of the junior high students. I can't wait to evaluate our weekend with our team :)


If you're a nerd like me, here are a few articles to help you think through things a little more clearly.

• the science of adolescents and sleep from PBS Science
• the psychology of adolescents and sleep from Psychology Today
• a lighter article on adolescents and sleep from Wall Street Journal
• a super helpful article to share with students and parents from Teen Health

As you plan your next event for junior high students, here are a few tips to keep you out of trouble:

1. Think about your schedule. Sr Hi students can deal with conversations that last until 3AM and still manage a 7AM breakfast. Jr Hi students – not so much. Maybe for one day. Or even two. But if you’re planning to end your camp with a late-night Thursday movie night, don’t plan an early morning devotion on Friday. Before you finalize your event schedule, give serious thought to the stamina level of Jr Hi students. 
2. Think about your meals. I like pizza as much as anyone, and Coco-puffs are awesome for a quick breakfast (and for blowing out of your nostril), but I’m not counting on either for nutritional value. Once again, planning one or two meals for convenience isn’t going to ruin your Jr Hi students, but feeding them a week’s worth of junk food will affect their energy and behavior. When you’re planning your menu, balance cost with nutrition when you’re planning for Jr Hi students.
3. Think about your adults. Let’s be honest, some of our adult staff “get it,” and some don’t. When it comes to spending a few days with tired Jr Hi students, make sure you’re choosing adults who genuinely care for and appreciate the nuances of working with Jr Hi students.

Before you unleash the Darth-Vader-stare-of-death the next time your favorite junior high student starts to melt down, think about your schedule, your meals, and your team. Offer them a little bit extra grace. And ask God to give you a little extra patience.

What do you think?