dealing with conflict between parents and teenagers

Everyone gets in conflict. And every parent gets in conflict with their teenager. It's inevitable. Most parents suggest conflict with their teenager goes poorly at best, and most teenagers generally agree. But both sides claim to want things to be better relationally.

So what can we do?

Here are some general themes that I hope guide my own parenting when it comes to dealing with conflict with my teenager.

1. Model Healthy Conflict Skills

I have conflict in my life, and the people closest to me - including my own children - see how I act and react in the midst of it. It's important that I'm living well in front of my students to help them learn to live well in their own areas of conflict. Specifically, I need to speak truth in love. Truth without loves postures me as a jerk. Love without truth postures me as a pushover. (The best research I've seen on this balance comes from Reuben Hill's Minnesota Report.) It's also important that I guard my words and avoid gossip. My children need to see me showing respect to the people I'm in conflict with if I hope they'll show respect to me when we're in conflict. I also need to forgive freely. Forgiveness isn't easy, but for a follower of Christ, it's not negotiable. It may not happen overnight, but God calls me to make a clear choice to trust His way and be moving towards forgiveness in every broken relationship.

2. Establish Healthy Rules of Engagement

I want my children to trust and value our relationship enough to work hard at keeping things healthy. I want them to know they can always come to me to tell me how they feel, even (maybe especially) if I've done something to hurt them. There's a right time and a right place for conflict, but as the parent, I must make time and space available to receive my children when they are initiating conflict.

3. Give My Kids the Benefit of the Doubt

Like yours, my kids want to be treated with respect and trust beyond their years, capacity, or what they've earned. In some moments, my kids are amazing - well-behaved, well-mannered, and well-adjusted. In other moments, my kids act like Satan's spawn. Like you, I find this both exciting and terrifying. But the truth is, as our teenagers move through puberty, identity formation is at the forefront of their developmental process. I.E., I should expect my adolescent to bounce all over the emotional map. One way I help them continue to move forward is by treating them as if they're acting the way I want them to act. By doing this, I am shaping their future responses to the challenges of life.

Once I settle into these themes, here are some "best practices" of conflict resolution I've learned over the years.

1. Pray. Seriously, don't just say you'll pray - pray for your relationship with your teenager will be stronger as a result of your upcoming conversation. And pray with your teenager at the beginning of the conversation.
2. Strive for a win-win. If you end up with a winner and a loser, everyone loses. You may win the conflict with your teenager, but you risk losing the long-term health of the relationship.
3. Use good communication skills. I found this article by googling "good communication skills." Be in awe of my research skills.
4. Schedule a time to talk. Give your student time to think about the topic you want to address.
5. Avoid lengthy rabbit trails. Don't get sidetracked with insignificant details, who started what, etc. Stay on the topic at hand, and deal with it well.
6. Keep your relationship as your priority. The long-term goals of parenting aren't visible for years - maybe decades. Hopefully, one of your goals is a healthy adult relationship with your teenager when they grow into their own story.
7. Keep your words personal to you and about you. It's better to say, "I felt embarrassed when you said . . ." rather than, "You embarrassed me when you . . ."
8. Be vulnerable. I believe God uses the power of vulnerability to break down walls of conflict. Check out two TedTalks be Brene Brown here and here.
9. Be specific about what you need to move on. It may be as simple as asking for an explanation for a certain act or statement. It may be asking for a change of behavior in certain situations. Don't make your teenager guess what you need.
10. Choose to accept an apology if your teenager offers. Make it a point to say, "I accept your apology, and I appreciate your heart in talking with me about this."
11. Choose to offer an apology if you've hurt your teenager. I would err on the side of over-offering an apology, even if it's, "I'm sorry that I hurt you when I said . . ."
12. Reach out a little later. Conflict is always awkward. the first few interactions after conflict are equally awkward. Be the adult and initiate some healthy relationship interaction a day or so after the conflict.

I also find these tips from Parentzilla.com to be superhelpful.

The bottom line is, conflict with your teenager is inevitable. How will you reply?


What do you think?