For the past few days, I've been teaching a class for Golden Gate Seminary. It's a pretty rigorous schedule - three graduate credits into four days. But every time I teach the class, we spend the first half of the first day telling our stories. Our background, our journey with Jesus, our current setting, our future hopes. It's a sweet time.
But not everyone likes it. Some students complain that we should be doing more academic stuff and less touchy-feely stuff.
I couldn't disagree more.
All ministry is rooted in relationship. I wonder, if you don't know the people you're ministering with, are you really ministering with them? I believe there's two central reasons we don't tell and hear stories.
First, I believe we resist telling our story an hearing others' stories because of our own brokenness and fear of being vulnerable. (When you have 20 minutes, watch Brene Brown's amazing TedTalk on vulnerability.) I totally get this, and I hope we use opportunities like these to grow and learn and be stretched.
Second, I believe we're too distracted. (I was originally going to describe reason #2 as busyness, but sometimes we use "I'm too busy" as an excuse; even when we're not busy, we can be too distracted to be present fully with others.) Television, music, cell phones, etc., all compete for our attention. Being present with people takes energy and focus, and because it's so easy to be a passive recipient of media, we often choose the path of least resistance.
I'm thankful that a few students in this week's class have shared how much they enjoyed closing their laptops and ignoring their cell phones so they could hear and be heard - see and be seen. I hope we can all grow to a place where we value being with people, giving them our attention, and hearing their stories.
What do you think?
Everyone gets in conflict. And every parent gets in conflict with their teenager. It's inevitable. Most parents suggest conflict with their teenager goes poorly at best, and most teenagers generally agree. But both sides claim to want things to be better relationally.
So what can we do?
Here are some general themes that I hope guide my own parenting when it comes to dealing with conflict with my teenager.
1. Model Healthy Conflict Skills
I have conflict in my life, and the people closest to me - including my own children - see how I act and react in the midst of it. It's important that I'm living well in front of my students to help them learn to live well in their own areas of conflict. Specifically, I need to speak truth in love. Truth without loves postures me as a jerk. Love without truth postures me as a pushover. (The best research I've seen on this balance comes from Reuben Hill's Minnesota Report.) It's also important that I guard my words and avoid gossip. My children need to see me showing respect to the people I'm in conflict with if I hope they'll show respect to me when we're in conflict. I also need to forgive freely. Forgiveness isn't easy, but for a follower of Christ, it's not negotiable. It may not happen overnight, but God calls me to make a clear choice to trust His way and be moving towards forgiveness in every broken relationship.
2. Establish Healthy Rules of Engagement
I want my children to trust and value our relationship enough to work hard at keeping things healthy. I want them to know they can always come to me to tell me how they feel, even (maybe especially) if I've done something to hurt them. There's a right time and a right place for conflict, but as the parent, I must make time and space available to receive my children when they are initiating conflict.
3. Give My Kids the Benefit of the Doubt
Like yours, my kids want to be treated with respect and trust beyond their years, capacity, or what they've earned. In some moments, my kids are amazing - well-behaved, well-mannered, and well-adjusted. In other moments, my kids act like Satan's spawn. Like you, I find this both exciting and terrifying. But the truth is, as our teenagers move through puberty, identity formation is at the forefront of their developmental process. I.E., I should expect my adolescent to bounce all over the emotional map. One way I help them continue to move forward is by treating them as if they're acting the way I want them to act. By doing this, I am shaping their future responses to the challenges of life.
Once I settle into these themes, here are some "best practices" of conflict resolution I've learned over the years.
- Pray. Seriously, don't just say you'll pray - pray for your relationship with your teenager will be stronger as a result of your upcoming conversation. And pray with your teenager at the beginning of the conversation.
- Strive for a win-win. If you end up with a winner and a loser, everyone loses. You may win the conflict with your teenager, but you risk losing the long-term health of the relationship.
- Use good communication skills. I found this article by googling "good communication skills." Be in awe of my research skills.
- Schedule a time to talk. Give your student time to think about the topic you want to address.
- Avoid lengthy rabbit trails. Don't get sidetracked with insignificant details, who started what, etc. Stay on the topic at hand, and deal with it well.
- Keep your relationship as your priority. The long-term goals of parenting aren't visible for years - maybe decades. Hopefully, one of your goals is a healthy adult relationship with your teenager when they grow into their own story.
- Keep your words personal to you and about you. It's better to say, "I felt embarrassed when you said . . ." rather than, "You embarrassed me when you . . ."
- Be vulnerable. I believe God uses the power of vulnerability to break down walls of conflict. Check out two TedTalks be Brene Brown here and here.
- Be specific about what you need to move on. It may be as simple as asking for an explanation for a certain act or statement. It may be asking for a change of behavior in certain situations. Don't make your teenager guess what you need.
- Choose to accept an apology if your teenager offers. Make it a point to say, "I accept your apology, and I appreciate your heart in talking with me about this."
- Choose to offer an apology if you've hurt your teenager. I would err on the side of over-offering an apology, even if it's, "I'm sorry that I hurt you when I said . . ."
- Reach out a little later. Conflict is always awkward. the first few interactions after conflict are equally awkward. Be the adult and initiate some healthy relationship interaction a day or so after the conflict.
I also find these tips from Parentzilla.com to be superhelpful.
The bottom line is, conflict with your teenager is inevitable. How will you reply?
What do you think?
I had the very cool opportunity to have a phone conversation with Todd Hunter this week. (He was the former president of Vineyard USA, started a ministry called C4SO, and wrote some amazing books - here's my favorite.) Over the course of a conversation that was all over the map, Todd said (as closely as I can remember), "Two things grieve God's Holy spirit: when we overemphasize him, and when we under-emphasize him."
Wow.
Growing up with no church background, my only experience with the Holy Spirit was the caricature you might see in the media: hyper-charismatic protestors, slick-headed televangelists, etc. When God captured my heart in High School, it was through a Southern Baptist church, which didn't really acknowledge the Holy Spirit at all. Tasha and I went to a Southern Baptist seminary, and while our theology professors challenged us to expand the box we kept God's Holy Spirit in, the general culture of the seminary was very . . . quiet? . . . about the Holy Spirit. We didn't really think much about it, but Tasha and I both felt that there was a part of our with-God life that was missing. And we were pretty sure it was related to the Holy Spirit.
Several years later, a trusted friend Chris Backert (organization architect of the Ecclesia Network) spent some time in the UK doing some research, and when he returned, we spent some time together sharing his experiences. As we chatted, Chris said, "I think I'm a British charismatic." (Don't bother googling the phrase - Chris made it up.) I asked him to explain, and he mumbled on about gifts and power and some other stuff, but I never got clarity on what he meant. But the phrase stuck with me, because I sensed that found in his own life the thing Tasha and I sense we were missing in ours.
The Todd Hunter makes his casual-yet-profound statement this week, and I'm on another journey. How can I live a life that doesn't grieve God's Holy Spirit by overemphasizing or under-emphasizing him?
What do you think?
