dating (your spouse)

Tasha and I recently wrote an article for youthministry.com on summertime ideas for hanging out as a family or date nights. The gist of the article is this quote: 

. . . if we're not careful, our busyness will leave us feeling empty as a couple and as a family. We could feel super-connected with our students yet feel profoundly disconnected from the relationships that matter most. . . . What you do is unimportant—just make sure you're doing something together.

What does this look like in your lives? Do you have a "go to" list of family fun ideas or date ideas? I'd love to hear them!

What do you think?

the power of story

For the past few days, I've been teaching a class for Golden Gate Seminary. It's a pretty rigorous schedule - three graduate credits into four days. But every time I teach the class, we spend the first half of the first day telling our stories. Our background, our journey with Jesus, our current setting, our future hopes. It's a sweet time.

But not everyone likes it. Some students complain that we should be doing more academic stuff and less touchy-feely stuff.

I couldn't disagree more.

All ministry is rooted in relationship. I wonder, if you don't know the people you're ministering with, are you really ministering with them? I believe there's two central reasons we don't tell and hear stories.

First, I believe we resist telling our story an hearing others' stories because of our own brokenness and fear of being vulnerable. (When you have 20 minutes, watch Brene Brown's amazing TedTalk on vulnerability.) I totally get this, and I hope we use opportunities like these to grow and learn and be stretched.

Second, I believe we're too distracted. (I was originally going to describe reason #2 as busyness, but sometimes we use "I'm too busy" as an excuse; even when we're not busy, we can be too distracted to be present fully with others.) Television, music, cell phones, etc., all compete for our attention. Being present with people takes energy and focus, and because it's so easy to be a passive recipient of media, we often choose the path of least resistance.

I'm thankful that a few students in this week's class have shared how much they enjoyed closing their laptops and ignoring their cell phones so they could hear and be heard - see and be seen. I hope we can all grow to a place where we value being with people, giving them our attention, and hearing their stories.


What do you think?

dealing with conflict between parents and teenagers

Everyone gets in conflict. And every parent gets in conflict with their teenager. It's inevitable. Most parents suggest conflict with their teenager goes poorly at best, and most teenagers generally agree. But both sides claim to want things to be better relationally.

So what can we do?

Here are some general themes that I hope guide my own parenting when it comes to dealing with conflict with my teenager.

1. Model Healthy Conflict Skills

I have conflict in my life, and the people closest to me - including my own children - see how I act and react in the midst of it. It's important that I'm living well in front of my students to help them learn to live well in their own areas of conflict. Specifically, I need to speak truth in love. Truth without loves postures me as a jerk. Love without truth postures me as a pushover. (The best research I've seen on this balance comes from Reuben Hill's Minnesota Report.) It's also important that I guard my words and avoid gossip. My children need to see me showing respect to the people I'm in conflict with if I hope they'll show respect to me when we're in conflict. I also need to forgive freely. Forgiveness isn't easy, but for a follower of Christ, it's not negotiable. It may not happen overnight, but God calls me to make a clear choice to trust His way and be moving towards forgiveness in every broken relationship.

2. Establish Healthy Rules of Engagement

I want my children to trust and value our relationship enough to work hard at keeping things healthy. I want them to know they can always come to me to tell me how they feel, even (maybe especially) if I've done something to hurt them. There's a right time and a right place for conflict, but as the parent, I must make time and space available to receive my children when they are initiating conflict.

3. Give My Kids the Benefit of the Doubt

Like yours, my kids want to be treated with respect and trust beyond their years, capacity, or what they've earned. In some moments, my kids are amazing - well-behaved, well-mannered, and well-adjusted. In other moments, my kids act like Satan's spawn. Like you, I find this both exciting and terrifying. But the truth is, as our teenagers move through puberty, identity formation is at the forefront of their developmental process. I.E., I should expect my adolescent to bounce all over the emotional map. One way I help them continue to move forward is by treating them as if they're acting the way I want them to act. By doing this, I am shaping their future responses to the challenges of life.

Once I settle into these themes, here are some "best practices" of conflict resolution I've learned over the years.

1. Pray. Seriously, don't just say you'll pray - pray for your relationship with your teenager will be stronger as a result of your upcoming conversation. And pray with your teenager at the beginning of the conversation.
2. Strive for a win-win. If you end up with a winner and a loser, everyone loses. You may win the conflict with your teenager, but you risk losing the long-term health of the relationship.
3. Use good communication skills. I found this article by googling "good communication skills." Be in awe of my research skills.
4. Schedule a time to talk. Give your student time to think about the topic you want to address.
5. Avoid lengthy rabbit trails. Don't get sidetracked with insignificant details, who started what, etc. Stay on the topic at hand, and deal with it well.
6. Keep your relationship as your priority. The long-term goals of parenting aren't visible for years - maybe decades. Hopefully, one of your goals is a healthy adult relationship with your teenager when they grow into their own story.
7. Keep your words personal to you and about you. It's better to say, "I felt embarrassed when you said . . ." rather than, "You embarrassed me when you . . ."
8. Be vulnerable. I believe God uses the power of vulnerability to break down walls of conflict. Check out two TedTalks be Brene Brown here and here.
9. Be specific about what you need to move on. It may be as simple as asking for an explanation for a certain act or statement. It may be asking for a change of behavior in certain situations. Don't make your teenager guess what you need.
10. Choose to accept an apology if your teenager offers. Make it a point to say, "I accept your apology, and I appreciate your heart in talking with me about this."
11. Choose to offer an apology if you've hurt your teenager. I would err on the side of over-offering an apology, even if it's, "I'm sorry that I hurt you when I said . . ."
12. Reach out a little later. Conflict is always awkward. the first few interactions after conflict are equally awkward. Be the adult and initiate some healthy relationship interaction a day or so after the conflict.

I also find these tips from Parentzilla.com to be superhelpful.

The bottom line is, conflict with your teenager is inevitable. How will you reply?


What do you think?

grieving the Holy Spirit

I had the very cool opportunity to have a phone conversation with Todd Hunter this week. (He was the former president of Vineyard USA, started a ministry called C4SO, and wrote some amazing books - here's my favorite.) Over the course of a conversation that was all over the map, Todd said (as closely as I can remember), "Two things grieve God's Holy spirit: when we overemphasize him, and when we under-emphasize him."

Wow.

Growing up with no church background, my only experience with the Holy Spirit was the caricature you might see in the media: hyper-charismatic protestors, slick-headed televangelists, etc. When God captured my heart in High School, it was through a Southern Baptist church, which didn't really acknowledge the Holy Spirit at all. Tasha and I went to a Southern Baptist seminary, and while our theology professors challenged us to expand the box we kept God's Holy Spirit in, the general culture of the seminary was very . . . quiet? . . . about the Holy Spirit. We didn't really think much about it, but Tasha and I both felt that there was a part of our with-God life that was missing. And we were pretty sure it was related to the Holy Spirit.

Several years later, a trusted friend Chris Backert (organization architect of the Ecclesia Network) spent some time in the UK doing some research, and when he returned, we spent some time together sharing his experiences. As we chatted, Chris said, "I think I'm a British charismatic." (Don't bother googling the phrase - Chris made it up.) I asked him to explain, and he mumbled on about gifts and power and some other stuff, but I never got clarity on what he meant. But the phrase stuck with me, because I sensed that found in his own life the thing Tasha and I sense we were missing in ours.

The Todd Hunter makes his casual-yet-profound statement this week, and I'm on another journey. How can I live a life that doesn't grieve God's Holy Spirit by overemphasizing or under-emphasizing him?


What do you think?

a massive survey of students

I just finished a small writing assignment, where I was asked to give some feedback and share some observations on a survey of 20k students that participated in a Christian summer camp in 2012. The vast majority of students were solid, deeply committed to Christ and the local church. Without going into too much detail, one of my biggest takeaways was that we need to address core issues of the Kingdom of God well and often. It's tempting to get caught up in trendy topics and surface level conversations, but students are asking for something deeper and more substantive. (The full article will appear in an upcoming issue of Group Magazine. Check it out!)

With that in mind, several friends were asking what we were giving our graduates for their "congratulations . . . now get out of the youth group" gift. This year, we're giving students Jonathan Morrow's, Welcome to College: A Christ-Follower's Guide for the Journey.  It's a challenging read that will give students peace that they can live for Christ in college, and it will begin to normalize the inevitable ridicule they'll face as they stand up for their beliefs on campus.

Last year, we gave students Ben Hardman's, Thrive: Do More Than Survive Your Faith. It's a little more pragmatic than Morrow's book, focusing more on the personal habits we hope our students have developed while in our student ministries.

Honestly, anything that we can put in students' hands that will keep them connected to Christ and the local church while they're in college will have a massive impact on how sticky their faith will be throughout the course of their lives.


What do you think?

kids say the darnedest things

I was walking out of the house yesterday, when some new refrigerator art caught my eye. My youngest daughter, 8 year-old Ashton, was the artist.

But I believe God was the author.

I'm not sure what the specifics behind Ashton's creation are, because our family is not going through anything particularly challenging right now (knock wood). But for whatever reason, God's Spirit breathed a little truth into Ashton's heart that she had to share. And I'm glad she did.

If you're struggling with some difficult times in your life, remember the truth revealed to and through an 8 year-old. God may not have caused the pain in your life, but he certainly won't waste it. He has this amazing creative capacity to take something that seems only negative and tease something positive out of it.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28


What do you think?

a divine conspiracy

Dallas Willard died on Wednesday. Well, he died in the human sense. In the truest sense, Dallas died every day as he yielded his life to the trust-able arms of Jesus. In my short list of "authors that have most shaped my understanding of life and the Kingdom of God," Dallas is in the top three. 

Tasha and I had the privilege of leading worship a few years ago for an Ash Wednesday gathering of the Ecclesia Network in Washington D.C. The preacher for the evening: Dallas Willard. Truth-be-told, I don't remember much about what he said that night, but I remember approaching him afterward to thank him for his comments, and he said simply, "You helped me see Jesus tonight. Thank you."

Another shaping moment.

The next day, Tasha and I drove Dallas to the airport to catch his flight. I intentionally took the long way to Dulles so we could spend the extra few minutes with him. We made a little small talk, then I said, "Dallas, I'm a young pastor, I love your writings, and I'm trying to be faithful to Jesus and to God's calling on my life. Is there any 'off-the-cuff' advice you'd want to share?"

Dallas leaned back in the chair, breathed deeply, and said, "Tom, never quit."

That's not a typo. He just didn't remember my name :)


But another shaping moment.

     Never quit.

When the important relationships in your life seem to be falling apart . . .

     Never quit.

When the decisions you make cause deep wounds in your own life and in the lives of others . . . 

     Never quit.

When you're at the end of your rope, and you think you can't go on . . .

     Never quit.

When you're diagnosed with pancreatic cancer . . .

     Never quit.
 
When you feel completely alone, and there's no where left to turn . . .

     Never quit.
 

My (selfish) sadness at Dallas' death is pretty deep. Ironic, because we weren't friends, and if I walked into his office, he wouldn't have recognized me. He wouldn't have even called me, "Tom." But I'll always remember those two encounters. And I'll reread The Divine Conspiracy and Renovation of the Heart and The Great Omission quite a few times throughout my life. And I'll quote him often, because the things he wrote are so embedded in my understanding of what's important.

And one day, I'll see him again. And maybe then he'll know my name :)


One of my favorite quotes from The Divine Conspiracy, "[Jesus] matters because of what he brought and what he still brings to ordinary human beings, living their ordinary lives and coping daily with their surroundings. He promises wholeness for their lives. In sharing our weaknesses he gives us strength and and imparts through his companionship a life that has the quality of eternity.

Dallas Willard (September 4, 1935 - May 8, 2013)

big picture thoughts on youth ministry

I just finished working on a project articulating my overall thoughts on youth ministry. It's been a while since I thought in these terms, and it was a fun exercise. I'd love to hear your thoughts -- what am I missing? what (if anything) do you like?

-----


In it's simplest form, youth ministry should welcome all students (regardless of anything), give them a safe place to figure out what they believe about Jesus, and offer opportunities for them to work out their place in God's Kingdom.

1. I believe healthy youth ministry exists to help students grow in their trust in God.

• a strategy rooted in Ephesians 4:11-14, recognizing the role students play in the coming of the Kingdom of God on school campuses
• a clear plan for helping students move from disinterested pre-Christian to seeker to new Christ-follower to committed Christ-follower
• balance growth in understanding (head), compassion (heart), and service (hands)

2. I believe healthy youth ministry challenges students to live and reveal the Kingdom of God.

• The Kingdom of God is God's plan for creation – life as God intends us to live.
• As Christ-followers pursue the life Jesus called us to live (which is the best way to live) our lives prompt others to ask us why our lives are different.
• We reveal God's Kingdom first with our lives, then with our words.

3. I believe healthy youth ministry is highly relational. Every program or event in youth ministry should be designed to deepen relationships.

• relationships with God 
  • begins by trusting Jesus
  • nurtured by developing healthy habits 
  • appropriate nudging of all students to take next steps in their relationship with God

• relationships among students 
  • safe environment for students to seek Jesus at all “stages” of trust
  • space for students to deepen their friendships with other students 
  • consistent opportunities for students to learn about and practice serving others 
  • occasional times to connect with other students from other places

• relationships with healthy adults
  • modeling healthy community among the youth staff and in the larger church 
  • healthy adults who become significant influences in students' lives 
  • adults have as much to learn from students as students have to learn from adults

• relationships in the home
  • foster healthy connections with students and their parents and siblings

4. I believe the following core values should guide everything we do:

• acceptance
• authenticity
• creativity
• expectancy
• family
• fun and laughter
• growth
• intimacy
• Jesus-centered
• mystery
• purpose
• relationships
• risk
• shared leadership
  
  
  What do you think?

living your calling

I had a great experience this weekend, watching my wife live into her calling. In the midst of a tough couple of months in ministry, God gave her an opportunity to share grace with a group of folks in a weekend retreat. (If you're not familiar with the Walk to Emmaus, ask me. It's an amazing weekend of soaking in God's grace, and I'm pretty sure there's one in your area.)

The highlight for me this weekend was watching my wife use her spiritual giftedness, rely on God's Spirit to do the spiritual work, be completely herself, and sense God's pleasure. (Shameless plug for one of my favorite movies of all times - "Chariots of Fire." Watch the clip at the bottom of this page, especially from 2:21-2:56 or so.) The Kingdom of God is the only pursuit in life that when you live it out, it's good for you and good for everyone around you.

Have you ever experienced God's goodness like this? When you knew you were doing exactly what God shaped you to do? Find your sweet spot, and chase hard after God.
 

 

What do you think?

students and pornography

I stumbled upon my dad's Playboy stash before I reached 3rd grade. I had no idea what I was looking at, and truthfully I sensed that it was wrong for me to be looking at it. But my own curiosity plus the understanding that this was something my dad was looking at convinced me to look, look some more, and keep looking.

As I grew into middle school and high school, I kept tabs on where to find more pornographic material -- in my own home and in my friends' homes -- and I continued to nurture my habit. I wasn't an addict by psychological standards, but I was far from pure in my thoughts and actions.

When I responded to God's pursuing love and began a trusting relationship with him, I repented of my sexual sin and began pursing purity. My understanding changed, and I knew I didn't want to do this anymore, but the habit that started in the 3rd grade was a difficult one to break.

Keep in mind, I was born in 1972, so my struggles peaked in the 80s, when pornography was still a socially inappropriate habit, and accessing pornography took a degree of risk and personal interaction (like going to a seedy store in a bad part of town dealing with a shady character). Students today find pornography to be more accessible, affordable, and anonymous. (In a 1998 article, "The Triple-A Engine," Cooper, Delmonico, and Burg first identified these three "A"s related to sexual pursuits and the internet. As research on sex addiction and the internet has continued, researchers have now identified seven "A"s contributing to internet-related intimacy problems. Click here for an updated summary of research.) The ease of securing pornography -- defined as explicit sexual videos and images -- is evidenced in current statistics (source: digitalkidsinitiative.com).

• the average age of first exposure to internet pornography is 11
• only 3% of teenage males and 17% of teenage female have never seen internet pornography
• the 12-17 year-old age group is the largest consumer of internet pornography
• 70% of teenage males have spent more than 30 consecutive minutes looking at internet pornography; 35% of teenage males have done this on more than ten occasions
• 23% of teenage females have spent more than 30 consecutive minutes looking at internet pornography; 14% of teenage females have done this on more than ten occasions
• female internet pornography usage is not as image-focused, but females are considerably more likely to agree to meet in person someone they've met online

The social effects of pornography include:

• belief that sexual promiscuity is natural and normal; belief that sexual abstinence and sexual inactivity are abnormal and unhealthy
• belief that marriage is sexually confining
• increased acceptance of sexual perversions (bestiality, group sex, bondage, etc.)
• the commodification of sex and the sexual objectification of persons

Researchers are now discovering that pornography addiction actually causes biological changes in human brain functions.

• click here for an academic explanation of these chemicals and healthy sexuality
• click here for an academic explanation of pornography's interaction with these chemicals
• click here and here for more readable explanation of pornography's interaction with these chemicals

You probably get the point: pornography is a dangerous, pervasive issue that our students -- and we -- are dealing with and will continue to deal with.

So what can we do? Below are four simple suggestions of things parents can do to help their students navigate the messiness of our culture's obsession with sexuality and the dangers of pornography.


1. Teach (or reteach) a healthy, Biblical, hope-filled view of sexuality. Many of us need to start by developing a healthier view of sexuality for ourselves. Once we began that journey, we must share our understanding with our students.

Please hear me acknowledge that this is an uncomfortable, awkward, stressful, and beautiful conversation. Our students need us to be healthy adults in their lives. And you can do it!

Some resources that I've found helpful (all of these links open in my amazon astore):

• A Celebration of Sex, Douglas Rosenau
• The Volunteers Back Pocket Guide to Sex, Craig Gross (from xxxchurch) and Cris Logan
• A Parent's Guide to Understanding Teenage Girls, Mark Oestreicher and Brooklyn Lindsey
• A Parent's Guide to Understanding Teenage Guys, Mark Oestreicher and Brock Morgan
• 99 Things Every Girl Should Know, Neely McQueen
• 99 Things Every Guy Should Know, Jeffrey Wallace and Matty McCage

2. Set high standards. Our students are bombarded with messages that assume they will screw up; society has concluded that students are incapable of making good choices. It's our job to remind them that with the power of God in their lives, they can choose to trust him and his plan and his way of life and not regret it.

I know many adults who back off on setting high standards for a couple of reasons:

• "At least they're not as bad as I was at their age." The truth is, we should celebrate when God is honoring our prayers and efforts and sparing our students from making the same mistakes is. The lie is that our standard is good enough.
• "They're doing so much better than most of their peers." Again, we should celebrate God's faithfulness in our student's lives. But I believe most students will rise to the occasion when healthy adults in their lives challenge them and encourage them to live into God's story. 

God's way is always best, and our students need healthy adults in their lives telling them this truth!


3. Be preventative. Before pornography becomes an issue, I suggest two things that will help us be preventative in the struggle with pornography in our students' lives.

• Our conversations with our students can begin in their earliest years, by the way we talk about important topics. Focus on the Family has an incredibly robust section of articles on parenting and sexuality. Researchers at the National Center for Biblical Parenting suggest the following general guidelines for age-appropriate conversations:
• 3-5 yrs - why boys and girls are different
• 6-8 yrs - where babies come from
• 8-11 yrs - how you are changing
• 11-14 yrs - sex and the new you
• 14 and up - love, sex, and God 

• Honest accountability will help our students remember that pornography is a big deal, and as parents, we are willing to work diligently to protect them. As a parent, I require my teenagers to sign a Family Digital Covenant of Conduct, which includes rules such as parents always having passwords to all email, facebook, twitter, etc., accounts; not sharing personal information online; etc. As a 40 year-old man, I am accountable to my wife and to two accountability partners for my decisions -- including my internet usage.I believe healthy parenting teaches students that it is healthy and normal to be in accountable relationships.

4. Be responsive. When we discover our student has accessed pornography, it is important to react appropriately. I don't want to over-react, but I don't want to under-react. I believe God's Holy Spirit is the only one who can help me and my wife navigate the appropriate response. Here are a few ideas:

• Begin with a conversation. Talk gently, ask good questions, and recognize that we are all broken and have this sexual struggle.

• Get the right kind of help. Depending on the depth of our student's struggle, this may mean having a conversation with a healthy adult (pastor, youth leader, family friend, etc.). The right help may mean investing in some study tools and some learning (xxxchurch.com is my go-to site for these resources.) The right kind of help may mean seeking a professional counselor -- I would recommend a Christian counselor with expertise and experience in sex addiction.

I know this is a long blog post. I hope you make the connection between the over-abundance of content and the seriousness of this issue. Pornography is no longer an "if it happens" struggle, but a "when it happens" struggle.

If you're struggling now, get help using the resources listed above. If your spouse is struggling now, help them get help. If your student is struggling now, act now. Be the healthy adults in their lives who make the difficult right decisions and step into the messiness of sex addiction.

I'll be praying for you.


What do you think?

oh, how he loves us

I had the privilege of spending the last few days at the inaugural MissioAlliance gathering in Washington DC. This event was sponsored by multiple groups, but the idea was birthed out of the Ecclesia Network. One compelling conversation was led by Tory Baucum, rector at the Truto Anglican Church in northern Virginia.

Baucum's talk was framed by the overall them of humanity, and he was answering the question, "What is the role of humans in the Kingdom of God?" His answer was simple, "to be in intimate relationship with God," as evidenced by the use of the wedding metaphor of Jesus and his bride (us, the church).

Not exactly rocket science.

But as Baucum began to do a broad survey of John's gospel, his insights were incredibly compelling, and I want to share them with my readers. The following comments are summaries of Baucum's thoughts.


* The Bible begins and ends the same way - a wedding in a garden (Genesis 1-2 and Revelation 21).

* From John's gospel:

• John 1:27 - John the Baptist says he's not worthy to untie his sandals; this is a reference to the kinsmen redeemer of Leviticus 25 and Ruth 1-4
• John 2:1-12 - Jesus' first miracle was at a wedding
• John 3:29 - John the Baptist refers to Jesus as the groom and the people as his bride
• John 4:1-30 - Jesus' conversation with the Samaritan woman at the well
• wells were often backdrops for weddings
• Jesus asked the woman about her previous husbands
• Jesus mentioned six men in her life - he would be the seventh (look up the role of the number 7 in the Bible
• John 16:21 - Jesus uses the metaphor of birth for the restoration of the Kingdom of God
• John 20:15 - at the tomb, Mary thought Jesus was the gardener

I am very familiar with the wedding metaphor, almost uncomfortable viewing myself as Jesus' bride. Perhaps my discomfort flows from my shallow understanding of the depth of God's love? For whatever reason, God's Spirit caused this talk and these thoughts to resonate deep in my gut, and for the next several weeks, I will be studying this idea more deeply.

A sad/joyful aside, Brennan Manning, one of my spiritual mentors (through his writings), died this week. One of his resounding life themes was God's messy and always-pursuing love for us. As you reflect on this, enjoy a video of Manning's thoughts on God's love.

What do you think?

the importance of backsliding

Don Miller posted some compelling thoughts on the importance of relapse in overcoming addictions. As you read, you'll see it's not the decision to repeat harmful/sinful behavior that's important, it's the way you're loved and forgiven by others and yourself that speaks to your process.

As I read and reflected on my own life, I also thought about implications for youth ministry. We may be tempted to balk at the seemingly endless "re-dedication" decision our students make on Thursday night of camp, but perhaps part of the process of their faith maturity is our willingness to model God's forgiveness and grace in our students' lives.

What do you think?

telling the story

We've all been captivated at one time or another by a story that we didn't want to end. The hero/heroine, the villain, the conflict, the setting, the supporting characters, the climax, the resolution, the end. We were drawn in, and we didn't want to leave.

Who doesn't like a good story?

But what makes a good story a good story?

Check out some of Emma Coats' (a former story artist at Pixar) thoughts in "22 Rules of Storytelling by a Pixar Storyboard Artist." Here are a few of my favorites:

2. You gotta keep in mind what’s interesting to you as an audience, not what’s fun to do as a writer. They can be very different. ...

10. Pull apart the stories you like. What you like in them is a part of you; you’ve got to recognize it before you can use it. ...

14. Why must you tell THIS story? What’s the belief burning within you that your story feeds off of? That’s the heart of it. ...

I was compelled by Coats' thoughts for two reasons:

First, I enjoy writing. I'm not very good at the narrative side of things, but I want to be. Like many, I want to write a "great American novel." I've got a few ideas, and I think Coats' list will help me.

Second and more important, I view the gospel as a story. A rich, compelling, provocative, life-changing story. Sometimes we reduce the story of Jesus into a list of propositions that we must agree with, or a set of laws that we must submit to; you don't hear that language out of Jesus. Jesus invites each of us into a story -- into a relationship with Him.

As you read the article, dream a little about how you share the gospel. And about how you share other God-stories. Because everyone loves a good story.

What do you think?

our people

Tasha and I spent last weekend with our people. By our people, I mean youth workers. To all the non-youth workers: I'm sorry, you just wouldn't understand :)

Anyway, the weekend in Indianapolis was amazing. Soul enriching. Battery recharging. Laughter inducing. Life changing.

God took me to school on a number of things -- I might share some thoughts after I unpack for a bit. But one of our highlights is the opportunity to spend time training other youth workers. (*** It's not that we're experts -- well, Tasha is an expert -- but we've learned lots of lessons in 20 years of youth minstry. ***) One of the workshops we taught was "Crisis Counseling Skills." It was the second year to teach it, and I think we made some solid strides forward in our content. We had a great time interacting with a packed room of people who pour their lives into students day-in and day-out. We learned a lot, cried a little, and walked out re-committed to God's calling on our lives to care for students. 

As encouraging as the time was, we were extra-encouraged by a new friend, Nate Smith (twitter; blog), and his thoughts on the workshop. For those who are interested, you can download our notes here.

All this made me wonder why I'm not more connected with youth workers in my area? Do I really need to wait for a once-a-year opportunity? What can I do to network better with folks in my area? How do you do it?

What do you think?

a book for a new kind of church

*** Disclaimer, JR Woodward and I are friends, and we've worked together on several projects and initiatives. He is a genuine lover of God and people, and his heart's cry is to see God's Kingdom come and will be done on earth as it is in heaven. To say JR is a unique person would be an understatement. I wish there were more like him . . . ***

Like some of you, I'm exhausted by reading authors who rail on and on about what's wrong with the world or the church or Christianity or Christ-followers or whatever other construct they're frustrated with. I think most of us can agree, the western church and the Kingdom of God are not in sync; at what point do we stop complaining about what's wrong and start visioning about what could be?

Enter JR Woodward and Creating a Missional Culture. 

JR is a long-time church planter and equipper of church planters; his entire adult life has been spent in this field. Plus, JR is a voracious reader and remember-er of books, and he has a unique capacity to pull various streams of thought together into a cohesive understanding. But beyond all that, JR has the courage to actually implement the things he's learning in the communities he leads and serves.

In part one, JR gives a brief diagnostic on contemporary culture and its affect on the church. He offers sound, Biblical perspective, and Spirit-led, field-tested advice on how the church can live into its calling to be an alternative culture offering grace and hope to a hurting world. You will be encouraged in part one.

In part two, JR offers his perspective on leadership in the church. Not surprisingly, few of his comments can be found in other leadership books, because JR's comments are rooted in a macro-understanding of the Kingdom of God and the potential for a missional culture. You will be challenged in part two.

In part three, JR shares a fresh understanding of the five giftings Paul described in Ephesians 4. This section may feel a tad idealistic -- not that that gives us an excuse not to aspire towards it -- but I know personally that JR has lived and led into these thoughts in his leadership. You will be inspired in part three.

In part four, JR casts a vision for how a missional culture could be a blessing to its members, the local community, and the world. He's not offering cliche statements or abstract possibilities; JR shares legitimate ways church leaders can lead their communities to be a place for God's kingdom to come. In part four, you will be motivated.

And if rich content isn't enough, JR gives specific tools to help identify and develop the five gifts in your local church.

I can't think of a better book for an aspiring church planter or a seasoned veteran. Every reader will learn and grow after reading this book, and you'll probably want to read it more than once.

I recognize my review is as much of an endorsement as anything, but I'm sharing honest thoughts after a second reading of Creating a Missional Culture in a small group of church leaders. You will not be disappointed.

jr hi vs. sr hi energy

A few years ago, I wrote a blog for Kurt Johnston and Scott Rubin on their junior high ministry blog addressing the different energy levels for junior high and senior high students. I didn't make the same mistake I discussed in my previous blog, but I revisited it all over again last weekend as our combined groups had a sleep-over in our church building for our Dare2Share weekend. (If you have questions about Dare2Share, I'd love to answer them. I'm a big fan. And I don't even get paid to say that!)

It was a long night. It was a miserable Saturday for most of the junior high students. I can't wait to evaluate our weekend with our team :)


If you're a nerd like me, here are a few articles to help you think through things a little more clearly.

• the science of adolescents and sleep from PBS Science
• the psychology of adolescents and sleep from Psychology Today
• a lighter article on adolescents and sleep from Wall Street Journal
• a super helpful article to share with students and parents from Teen Health

As you plan your next event for junior high students, here are a few tips to keep you out of trouble:

1. Think about your schedule. Sr Hi students can deal with conversations that last until 3AM and still manage a 7AM breakfast. Jr Hi students – not so much. Maybe for one day. Or even two. But if you’re planning to end your camp with a late-night Thursday movie night, don’t plan an early morning devotion on Friday. Before you finalize your event schedule, give serious thought to the stamina level of Jr Hi students. 
2. Think about your meals. I like pizza as much as anyone, and Coco-puffs are awesome for a quick breakfast (and for blowing out of your nostril), but I’m not counting on either for nutritional value. Once again, planning one or two meals for convenience isn’t going to ruin your Jr Hi students, but feeding them a week’s worth of junk food will affect their energy and behavior. When you’re planning your menu, balance cost with nutrition when you’re planning for Jr Hi students.
3. Think about your adults. Let’s be honest, some of our adult staff “get it,” and some don’t. When it comes to spending a few days with tired Jr Hi students, make sure you’re choosing adults who genuinely care for and appreciate the nuances of working with Jr Hi students.

Before you unleash the Darth-Vader-stare-of-death the next time your favorite junior high student starts to melt down, think about your schedule, your meals, and your team. Offer them a little bit extra grace. And ask God to give you a little extra patience.

What do you think?