the power of story

For the past few days, I've been teaching a class for Golden Gate Seminary. It's a pretty rigorous schedule - three graduate credits into four days. But every time I teach the class, we spend the first half of the first day telling our stories. Our background, our journey with Jesus, our current setting, our future hopes. It's a sweet time.

But not everyone likes it. Some students complain that we should be doing more academic stuff and less touchy-feely stuff.

I couldn't disagree more.

All ministry is rooted in relationship. I wonder, if you don't know the people you're ministering with, are you really ministering with them? I believe there's two central reasons we don't tell and hear stories.

First, I believe we resist telling our story an hearing others' stories because of our own brokenness and fear of being vulnerable. (When you have 20 minutes, watch Brene Brown's amazing TedTalk on vulnerability.) I totally get this, and I hope we use opportunities like these to grow and learn and be stretched.

Second, I believe we're too distracted. (I was originally going to describe reason #2 as busyness, but sometimes we use "I'm too busy" as an excuse; even when we're not busy, we can be too distracted to be present fully with others.) Television, music, cell phones, etc., all compete for our attention. Being present with people takes energy and focus, and because it's so easy to be a passive recipient of media, we often choose the path of least resistance.

I'm thankful that a few students in this week's class have shared how much they enjoyed closing their laptops and ignoring their cell phones so they could hear and be heard - see and be seen. I hope we can all grow to a place where we value being with people, giving them our attention, and hearing their stories.


What do you think?

dealing with conflict between parents and teenagers

Everyone gets in conflict. And every parent gets in conflict with their teenager. It's inevitable. Most parents suggest conflict with their teenager goes poorly at best, and most teenagers generally agree. But both sides claim to want things to be better relationally.

So what can we do?

Here are some general themes that I hope guide my own parenting when it comes to dealing with conflict with my teenager.

1. Model Healthy Conflict Skills

I have conflict in my life, and the people closest to me - including my own children - see how I act and react in the midst of it. It's important that I'm living well in front of my students to help them learn to live well in their own areas of conflict. Specifically, I need to speak truth in love. Truth without loves postures me as a jerk. Love without truth postures me as a pushover. (The best research I've seen on this balance comes from Reuben Hill's Minnesota Report.) It's also important that I guard my words and avoid gossip. My children need to see me showing respect to the people I'm in conflict with if I hope they'll show respect to me when we're in conflict. I also need to forgive freely. Forgiveness isn't easy, but for a follower of Christ, it's not negotiable. It may not happen overnight, but God calls me to make a clear choice to trust His way and be moving towards forgiveness in every broken relationship.

2. Establish Healthy Rules of Engagement

I want my children to trust and value our relationship enough to work hard at keeping things healthy. I want them to know they can always come to me to tell me how they feel, even (maybe especially) if I've done something to hurt them. There's a right time and a right place for conflict, but as the parent, I must make time and space available to receive my children when they are initiating conflict.

3. Give My Kids the Benefit of the Doubt

Like yours, my kids want to be treated with respect and trust beyond their years, capacity, or what they've earned. In some moments, my kids are amazing - well-behaved, well-mannered, and well-adjusted. In other moments, my kids act like Satan's spawn. Like you, I find this both exciting and terrifying. But the truth is, as our teenagers move through puberty, identity formation is at the forefront of their developmental process. I.E., I should expect my adolescent to bounce all over the emotional map. One way I help them continue to move forward is by treating them as if they're acting the way I want them to act. By doing this, I am shaping their future responses to the challenges of life.

Once I settle into these themes, here are some "best practices" of conflict resolution I've learned over the years.

1. Pray. Seriously, don't just say you'll pray - pray for your relationship with your teenager will be stronger as a result of your upcoming conversation. And pray with your teenager at the beginning of the conversation.
2. Strive for a win-win. If you end up with a winner and a loser, everyone loses. You may win the conflict with your teenager, but you risk losing the long-term health of the relationship.
3. Use good communication skills. I found this article by googling "good communication skills." Be in awe of my research skills.
4. Schedule a time to talk. Give your student time to think about the topic you want to address.
5. Avoid lengthy rabbit trails. Don't get sidetracked with insignificant details, who started what, etc. Stay on the topic at hand, and deal with it well.
6. Keep your relationship as your priority. The long-term goals of parenting aren't visible for years - maybe decades. Hopefully, one of your goals is a healthy adult relationship with your teenager when they grow into their own story.
7. Keep your words personal to you and about you. It's better to say, "I felt embarrassed when you said . . ." rather than, "You embarrassed me when you . . ."
8. Be vulnerable. I believe God uses the power of vulnerability to break down walls of conflict. Check out two TedTalks be Brene Brown here and here.
9. Be specific about what you need to move on. It may be as simple as asking for an explanation for a certain act or statement. It may be asking for a change of behavior in certain situations. Don't make your teenager guess what you need.
10. Choose to accept an apology if your teenager offers. Make it a point to say, "I accept your apology, and I appreciate your heart in talking with me about this."
11. Choose to offer an apology if you've hurt your teenager. I would err on the side of over-offering an apology, even if it's, "I'm sorry that I hurt you when I said . . ."
12. Reach out a little later. Conflict is always awkward. the first few interactions after conflict are equally awkward. Be the adult and initiate some healthy relationship interaction a day or so after the conflict.

I also find these tips from Parentzilla.com to be superhelpful.

The bottom line is, conflict with your teenager is inevitable. How will you reply?


What do you think?

grieving the Holy Spirit

I had the very cool opportunity to have a phone conversation with Todd Hunter this week. (He was the former president of Vineyard USA, started a ministry called C4SO, and wrote some amazing books - here's my favorite.) Over the course of a conversation that was all over the map, Todd said (as closely as I can remember), "Two things grieve God's Holy spirit: when we overemphasize him, and when we under-emphasize him."

Wow.

Growing up with no church background, my only experience with the Holy Spirit was the caricature you might see in the media: hyper-charismatic protestors, slick-headed televangelists, etc. When God captured my heart in High School, it was through a Southern Baptist church, which didn't really acknowledge the Holy Spirit at all. Tasha and I went to a Southern Baptist seminary, and while our theology professors challenged us to expand the box we kept God's Holy Spirit in, the general culture of the seminary was very . . . quiet? . . . about the Holy Spirit. We didn't really think much about it, but Tasha and I both felt that there was a part of our with-God life that was missing. And we were pretty sure it was related to the Holy Spirit.

Several years later, a trusted friend Chris Backert (organization architect of the Ecclesia Network) spent some time in the UK doing some research, and when he returned, we spent some time together sharing his experiences. As we chatted, Chris said, "I think I'm a British charismatic." (Don't bother googling the phrase - Chris made it up.) I asked him to explain, and he mumbled on about gifts and power and some other stuff, but I never got clarity on what he meant. But the phrase stuck with me, because I sensed that found in his own life the thing Tasha and I sense we were missing in ours.

The Todd Hunter makes his casual-yet-profound statement this week, and I'm on another journey. How can I live a life that doesn't grieve God's Holy Spirit by overemphasizing or under-emphasizing him?


What do you think?

a massive survey of students

I just finished a small writing assignment, where I was asked to give some feedback and share some observations on a survey of 20k students that participated in a Christian summer camp in 2012. The vast majority of students were solid, deeply committed to Christ and the local church. Without going into too much detail, one of my biggest takeaways was that we need to address core issues of the Kingdom of God well and often. It's tempting to get caught up in trendy topics and surface level conversations, but students are asking for something deeper and more substantive. (The full article will appear in an upcoming issue of Group Magazine. Check it out!)

With that in mind, several friends were asking what we were giving our graduates for their "congratulations . . . now get out of the youth group" gift. This year, we're giving students Jonathan Morrow's, Welcome to College: A Christ-Follower's Guide for the Journey.  It's a challenging read that will give students peace that they can live for Christ in college, and it will begin to normalize the inevitable ridicule they'll face as they stand up for their beliefs on campus.

Last year, we gave students Ben Hardman's, Thrive: Do More Than Survive Your Faith. It's a little more pragmatic than Morrow's book, focusing more on the personal habits we hope our students have developed while in our student ministries.

Honestly, anything that we can put in students' hands that will keep them connected to Christ and the local church while they're in college will have a massive impact on how sticky their faith will be throughout the course of their lives.


What do you think?

kids say the darnedest things

I was walking out of the house yesterday, when some new refrigerator art caught my eye. My youngest daughter, 8 year-old Ashton, was the artist.

But I believe God was the author.

I'm not sure what the specifics behind Ashton's creation are, because our family is not going through anything particularly challenging right now (knock wood). But for whatever reason, God's Spirit breathed a little truth into Ashton's heart that she had to share. And I'm glad she did.

If you're struggling with some difficult times in your life, remember the truth revealed to and through an 8 year-old. God may not have caused the pain in your life, but he certainly won't waste it. He has this amazing creative capacity to take something that seems only negative and tease something positive out of it.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28


What do you think?

a divine conspiracy

Dallas Willard died on Wednesday. Well, he died in the human sense. In the truest sense, Dallas died every day as he yielded his life to the trust-able arms of Jesus. In my short list of "authors that have most shaped my understanding of life and the Kingdom of God," Dallas is in the top three. 

Tasha and I had the privilege of leading worship a few years ago for an Ash Wednesday gathering of the Ecclesia Network in Washington D.C. The preacher for the evening: Dallas Willard. Truth-be-told, I don't remember much about what he said that night, but I remember approaching him afterward to thank him for his comments, and he said simply, "You helped me see Jesus tonight. Thank you."

Another shaping moment.

The next day, Tasha and I drove Dallas to the airport to catch his flight. I intentionally took the long way to Dulles so we could spend the extra few minutes with him. We made a little small talk, then I said, "Dallas, I'm a young pastor, I love your writings, and I'm trying to be faithful to Jesus and to God's calling on my life. Is there any 'off-the-cuff' advice you'd want to share?"

Dallas leaned back in the chair, breathed deeply, and said, "Tom, never quit."

That's not a typo. He just didn't remember my name :)


But another shaping moment.

     Never quit.

When the important relationships in your life seem to be falling apart . . .

     Never quit.

When the decisions you make cause deep wounds in your own life and in the lives of others . . . 

     Never quit.

When you're at the end of your rope, and you think you can't go on . . .

     Never quit.

When you're diagnosed with pancreatic cancer . . .

     Never quit.
 
When you feel completely alone, and there's no where left to turn . . .

     Never quit.
 

My (selfish) sadness at Dallas' death is pretty deep. Ironic, because we weren't friends, and if I walked into his office, he wouldn't have recognized me. He wouldn't have even called me, "Tom." But I'll always remember those two encounters. And I'll reread The Divine Conspiracy and Renovation of the Heart and The Great Omission quite a few times throughout my life. And I'll quote him often, because the things he wrote are so embedded in my understanding of what's important.

And one day, I'll see him again. And maybe then he'll know my name :)


One of my favorite quotes from The Divine Conspiracy, "[Jesus] matters because of what he brought and what he still brings to ordinary human beings, living their ordinary lives and coping daily with their surroundings. He promises wholeness for their lives. In sharing our weaknesses he gives us strength and and imparts through his companionship a life that has the quality of eternity.

Dallas Willard (September 4, 1935 - May 8, 2013)

big picture thoughts on youth ministry

I just finished working on a project articulating my overall thoughts on youth ministry. It's been a while since I thought in these terms, and it was a fun exercise. I'd love to hear your thoughts -- what am I missing? what (if anything) do you like?

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In it's simplest form, youth ministry should welcome all students (regardless of anything), give them a safe place to figure out what they believe about Jesus, and offer opportunities for them to work out their place in God's Kingdom.

1. I believe healthy youth ministry exists to help students grow in their trust in God.

• a strategy rooted in Ephesians 4:11-14, recognizing the role students play in the coming of the Kingdom of God on school campuses
• a clear plan for helping students move from disinterested pre-Christian to seeker to new Christ-follower to committed Christ-follower
• balance growth in understanding (head), compassion (heart), and service (hands)

2. I believe healthy youth ministry challenges students to live and reveal the Kingdom of God.

• The Kingdom of God is God's plan for creation – life as God intends us to live.
• As Christ-followers pursue the life Jesus called us to live (which is the best way to live) our lives prompt others to ask us why our lives are different.
• We reveal God's Kingdom first with our lives, then with our words.

3. I believe healthy youth ministry is highly relational. Every program or event in youth ministry should be designed to deepen relationships.

• relationships with God 
  • begins by trusting Jesus
  • nurtured by developing healthy habits 
  • appropriate nudging of all students to take next steps in their relationship with God

• relationships among students 
  • safe environment for students to seek Jesus at all “stages” of trust
  • space for students to deepen their friendships with other students 
  • consistent opportunities for students to learn about and practice serving others 
  • occasional times to connect with other students from other places

• relationships with healthy adults
  • modeling healthy community among the youth staff and in the larger church 
  • healthy adults who become significant influences in students' lives 
  • adults have as much to learn from students as students have to learn from adults

• relationships in the home
  • foster healthy connections with students and their parents and siblings

4. I believe the following core values should guide everything we do:

• acceptance
• authenticity
• creativity
• expectancy
• family
• fun and laughter
• growth
• intimacy
• Jesus-centered
• mystery
• purpose
• relationships
• risk
• shared leadership
  
  
  What do you think?